purekatherine (purekatherine) wrote,

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Written while at work, I have not checked to see if it makes sense or anything, I'm just going to paste it.

Songs always mean more when you're extra emotional and wanting something to relate to. It's very easy then to think that every song was written for your specific situation, or exactly the opposite. There's often not too much grey area when needing something to relate to. I've found myself this morning either totally getting into songs and feeling like I knew exactly what was happening in the writer's life when they wrote it, or having to skip it because I couldn't relate to anything happening in it and was worried that I would end up crying at work, which is really not on my list of things that I'd like to do today.

Luckily I have avoided that so far. My eyes haven't even really welled up, though I have had to take a few deep breaths when my chest tightens. That's ok though, I can get through the day if I just remember to breathe. It's already 11:13 and I'm doing ok. I just got in from a walk around half of the building to try to make it feel like I was starting fresh at 11 and the day would be shorter. I don't think it helped too much, but it was nice none the less.

I've been listening to music in hopes that it will help the day seem to move a little bit faster, and I think that it's been working for that, but of course I have to pick stuff that's a little bit depressing and can match my mood. I've tried to keep it up beat a little bit, but most of those attempts have me skipping songs for the reasons stated above. In coming across Rilo Kiley's song More Adventurous I found myself objecting to the main idea because I had taken the advice in the song previously, and I'm not liking the way it's turning out.

The lyrics go, "I read with every broken heart we should become more adventurous." I did that the last time that I opened up my heart after a heartbreak. I let a lot of things be that I would normally walk away from. While I had a lot of fun and it's the closest to being loved that I've ever come, this is a far worse pain that I'm going through now. Probably because it's not concrete. This time around I definitely wouldn't trade the good so I didn't have to go through the bad, which is the opposite of the last time, but I definitely can't go around being more adventurous now and then getting even more crushed later.

That's exactly why I'm being very careful about seeing a guy who I had been seeing a little over a year ago before he went to Iraq. He's on leave for two more months, and while the most cautious way to deal with him being back would be to not even respond to his texts, I've hung out with him once and may be doing so again tonight. I've been extremely honest with him in regards to my current pain and that nothing is going to happen. That's been awesome for me because he is being the friend that I need right now.
Tags: songs
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